Even So
by nineixnayes
Summary: Fenris couldn’t understand the heart of an Assassin, and Chaos doesn’t understand the mind of an Assassin. Loki doesn’t understand the heart of a Warlock, and doesn’t understand her outlandish actions either, when that collides, what do you have?
1. One

Disclaimer: All characters respectively belong to Mr. Lee Myung-Jin and the Norse Mythology. I wish I own Loki though…(cries).

**This is my first Ragnarok FF based on the original manhwa; it is not based on anything in the game, or the animation. Flames are welcomed, and please RR. I made a couple of RO FF, based on my character on the MMORPG and my friends' characters, so I never had any experience on writing Loki-Fenris pairing so, peace be with the fandom of F-L and please review! **

Author's last note: To dramatize the story more…the author suggests you read this while listening to Counting Crows' 'I Am Ready For Love' or/and Incubus' 'I Miss You'. And also… it is advised that you have read at least volume 1,2 and 8 out of the series before reading my story, but really, it's not a big deal, I bet you all come here cause you're Ragnarok fans anyways…

One 

Loki didn't know what he felt for, and he didn't take it for real. He had no emotions what so ever and no one knows what's under his cold eyes. _'The boy's confused'_, everyone said. _'I am questionable'_, Loki told himself. He didn't understand his feelings, he didn't understand himself, and he never did. He always wondered why Chaos, Iris, Fenris, and even Lidia are so…intriguing, so carefree to show their emotions. If it's not Iris that couldn't let her hands stay out of Chaos' aura, or Fenris with her obnoxious fluttery eyes she eyed Chaos with, or why Lidia couldn't stop staring at Loki, he didn't get it, neither did he care much.

Loki's hair covered his eyes in an awkward angle, and from second to second the wind would come back and forth to fix it away. The sun was up high, but the air was frigid, and enough cold to match Loki's heart. Now this kind of behaviour Loki understood, but that frozen heart of his, he could never reveal.

"Hey" a recognizable voice came from behind the blue-grayish head. Although he didn't look towards the voice, he knew who it was.

Loki stayed still for a moment but he greeted the voice anyways, "Hey", he finally spun around, it was Chaos.

"We're going for lunch, you've been up here for hours, coming?" Chaos' vermillion hair collapsed under the sun, but complimented his foolish grin in a way.

Loki shrugged then muttered, "No reason to stay around"

"Exactly, c'mon" Chaos sat down next to Loki, right on the edge of the highest of the highest level of the stony gate of Geffen. Silence filled them, and only the whistles of the wind can be heard between them, until Chaos decided to break it. "Why are you so secure?" Chaos' expression suddenly changed, but he softens it with a weak grin.

"Lets go" Loki stood up not wishing to discuss the idea and walked away from the reincarnated God, jumping from the high roof to the bottom of the highest level of the fortress' gate.

"Damn it, Loki!" Chaos yelled aggravated by Loki's secure behaviour and followed the Assassin.

Loki fled down the stairs quickly and at times would be seeing his tail to see if Chaos caught up with his incredible agility. He jumped the last few steps only to reveal the real world outside the fortress' gate. He could see Fenris and Iris ahead, smiling at the sight of him, then Loki wonders. What does he feel for them? He tried to reveal it, and somehow unlock his own hidden mystery, but no, he couldn't find it, not likely ever.

Loki saw Fenris, and ever since he saved her life that day in the airship, she had been turning red every time Loki touches her, even accidentally, that too, he didn't get. He knew Fenris was strange; she loved Chaos even if she knew Chaos loved Iris and not her, outlandish and foolish, he thought. Iris didn't care about Loki and still felt uneasy around him, Loki can feel she didn't like him much but occasionally abused the ability of Loki and his strength to simply carry her around. Loki innocently didn't give and is just buying her stupid lies over the time. Loki decided it was time to walk over to them, with his usual unchangeable expression and a pout that even Iris thinks is sexy on his face, he dragged himself up to the two.

"Lokiiiiii!" Iris screamed her aggravating self and jumped to his arms. Loki grunted as the 18-year old caused a sudden pressure on his arms, but he could only thank the Gods, he didn't drop her.

"Lunch is waiting, we're waiting, the Gods know why you are so…way too depressed sometimes" Iris perkily wrapped her arms around Loki's neck to help her stay in place.

"Iris" Loki hissed amused at her childishness, but continued on letting the Princess of Fayon enjoyed the service, while Fenris giggled softly in the background.

"I'm sorry Loki, my feet are killing me" Iris tried to take a dose of sympathy from Loki, but apparently from Loki's expression, she failed to do so.

Loki wanted to toss her right then to Chaos, but he was nowhere to be in sight, so he let her stay, despite his wants.

"Loki! Damn it! There you are!" Chaos' voice came from behind and with that Loki turned his heel to face the Rune Knight, eager to toss the Cleric to him. Seeing Iris in Loki's arms, Chaos let a confused and a bored face, with hesitation to even ask Iris why she kept leaping to the Assassin, and most of all, why Loki isn't bothered at all.

"What is it?" Iris noticed his face, and tried to give away a priceless smile, noticing the disappointed face in her friend's face.

"You are so selfish, he's been protecting your ass everyday out there, and you still burden him with your weight, jumping around to his arms like a wild cat…" Chaos sighed, lecturing the young heir, who is now facing Chaos with distress.

"Are you calling me fat?" Iris eyed Chaos carefully with a mean, cold look upon her face.

"What! No I didn't!" Chaos argued even more, giving a 'you're-kidding-me' look towards Iris.

Loki shook his head in disparagement, he looked around only to find Fenris' fake laugh next to him. Even not human he can see through Fenris' lies and hidden emotions. She was a terrible liar, but he couldn't bother telling her. Loki only had one question in mind…_Why does she love him so much?_


	2. Two

**Two**

…That is the main question really. He couldn't feel as much, but he knew the feeling, and he's quite familiar with the concept. He'd been loved once, and just as so…maybe he loved once. But for now, he had never heard such imprudence, the word it self sickens him.

"Iris, I'm going to reallocate you to Chaos now" Loki handled Iris to her rightful man, without her even noticing she's been shifted to someone else's arms, and so the bickering of Chaos and Iris continues.

Loki turned around and started walking but secretly wrapped his hands around Fenris' and dragged her out of the scene. He knew with her, any condition involving Chaos and Iris together would hurt her even more, and even without a heart, Loki knew, she didn't have to face it.

"It is not necessary Fenris, come" Loki coldly mumbled and let her go after Fenris snapped out of one of her daze.

"What?" Fenris still seems confused and touched her 'twice-grabbed' hands by Loki and caressed it, still trying to figure out the puzzle.

"Lets just eat" Loki tried hard to get Fenris out of the idea and he walked away knowing that the Warlock would follow him only to Fenris' recollection to find a good place to hang around in. After a few minutes of rambling on around the plaza area, they found a quaint café called, Geffen's.

Once settled, Loki and Fenris sit together and face each other with each of their own tragic past written under their eyes. Fenris looked through Loki's green cold, beautiful eyes, that were guarding everyone's every move and mainly observing, what Fenris hoped, the waitress' legs. If not, he's simply watching the grass grow next to it, and that would be sufficiently bizarre, she relay.

Fenris hoped she could love Loki instead of Balder…Chaos. Although she knew she couldn't love someone that didn't know how to love, or worst, someone that couldn't even feel anything. Fenris was suddenly enraged with pity. Loki was every bit of a girl's prince charming, just without the warmth and fluff. Loki is cold, frozen, and strong. She wished she could be more like him, or simply to learn how to not feel at all.

Loki suddenly realized a pair of violet eyes are observing his eyes, "What?"

"Nothing" Fenris detonated the observation and turned to the side, trying to distract her attention with the snail slithering across the grass. Her face is hot from the embarrassment, but she's still trying hard to save her own look.

"Right" Loki muttered under his breath. A sudden storm of silence filled the two, filling the gaps, and truly, Fenris was out of words.

"Fenris", suddenly Loki called out and asked, "What do you feel for Chaos?"

"Why ask so?" Fenris didn't know what to say, so she asked the obvious.

"Just concerned", Loki blew the hair covering his eyes with his breath.

"That's none of your concern really", Fenris said to her defense.

"Fine", Loki muttered without paying attention at all.

Loki once again stared blankly into thin air. Fenris wanted to grab him and shook him right there, telling him to get real and get a life, but she had no courage to do so. Besides, is it her matter, if the guy is emotionless?

"This is a dreadful notion, lets go" Loki stood up from his chair and was about to go but Fenris caught his hand and tugged it gently, telling him to stay.

"Why do you do that?" Loki suddenly set his eyes on Fenris, her hands still locked to his hand.

"Why do I do what?" Fenris asked innocently, and also confused.

"You act like you are dying to be around me, and now hold my hand, I saved your life, I don't hear a thank you, then you stress yourself with the likes of Chaos, and try to throw it to me, and then you do this again" Loki answered coolly, like it wasn't a big deal.

Fenris stared at him in disbelief, "Are you saying I have no dependency?"

"If that" Loki pulled away from her grip and started walking away.

"Stay" Fenris' eyes filled with tears, but her voice was demanding.

"With you making a scene?" Loki gave a sarcastic look and pointed with his head to people who were staring at them.

Fenris couldn't say anything else, she knew Loki wasn't this heartless, but how dare he says she had no dependency! Seeing the rage and tears in Fenris' face, Loki walked the short spaces and sat back on his chair, leaning bored back against his chair, observing the butterflies that couldn't stop surrounding him since then.

"They like you" Fenris smiled sweetly, trying to find the moment once more.

"Nothing likes me" Loki answered coldly, killing the moment again, but still letting the butterflies fly around him, now as he observed the patterns of the wings one by one. And with that the waitress came.

"Hi! Welcome to Geffen's, what would you like to drink?" She was blonde with pink streaks, perky, and with her hair tied back. She was wearing the café's t-shirt and a black mini and knee-length boots, complete with a black apron around her hip.

"I'll have an ice tea" Fenris looked up to the waitress while stating her wants and then she look up at Loki, "You?"

"Just water" Loki mumbled, looking at the menu uninterestedly.

"Decided for your meals yet?" The waitress' squeaky voice blurted out, and it was aggravating Loki and Fenris.

"Not yet" Fenris smiled back, just instantly trying to send back the waitress back to her perky world filled with rainbows and pastel colours.

"Alright! Take your time" The waitress was about to leave but then leaned towards Fenris and whispered to hear ears, 'Cute boyfriend!' then she left.

Fenris wanted to laugh slightly, but she blushed a little and smiled widely to herself.

"What did she say?" Loki asked bemused to see how a sentence could send Fenris to coo-coo land and smile stupidly for no reason.

"Nothing" Fenris still couldn't stop her heart blossoming and again she smiled to herself

once more.

"You are curious" Loki titled his head to match her sanity right now and shook his head in

vacillation.


	3. Three

Three 

'Chaos', Chaos thought. His damn name says it all. This girl won't quit clinging to him, he knew she likes him, and unevenly for the sake of it, he tried to like her back, which he succeeds in. Then, she got obsessed with him, in this case it was far too complicated, but with luck he did it, and he fulfills it…and now they're practically inseparable.

"Gods-damn it Iris", Chaos grunted, his knees shaking from carrying the Royal Highness' ass all around.

"Put a seal in it Chaos" Iris answered irritated by his whininess.

"We've got to find Loki and Fenris, can you at least spare my energy?" Chaos got tired of it and dropped her gently on the edge of the nearest fountain.

"What are you doing?" Iris' voice was cross, and her face seemed unimpressed.

"Doing what I should do since then" Chaos folded his arms and started to walk away, "I don't even know why Loki puts up with that, Gods" he added and continues walking away.

"CHAOS!" Iris screamed angrily, whining to the now vermillion-faced knight.

Chaos was getting annoyed badly, so he turned around with a pure angry look in his face, "WOULD YOU SHUT UP! I'm going to find Loki and Fenris! And if you don't want to get off your ass and walk, stay there and rot, I'd gladly tell Loki to pick you up if you still don't want to WALK!" Chaos yelled angrily.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk…Gods, Chaos, don't be such a drama knight! If you were really tired just tell me, don't make such a big deal out of it", Iris hopped off the edge of the fountain and dragged the dropped-jaws star-struck Rune Knight.

Silence filled their presence; no words came out from either, not even when the water and ice tea came to fill a part of their table. Fenris was getting tired of this conversation absence, and so she decided to ask the most ridiculous questions.

"What do you see in me?" Fenris tried to catch a bored Loki to her eyes.

"What?"

"Do you think I'm weak?"

"Not necessarily"

"So you do think I'm weak in front of Chaos?"

"No, you're in love…is that it?"

"Possibly"

"That is really your choice"

"Why are you doing this?"

"…?"

"This…this nonsense! Talk about what's real and what's not! You, trying to hurt me, plunge me to my weaknesses even more!"

"That's your own thoughts, Fenris" Loki picked up his water, and took a sip.

"Please…just…"

"We should be ordering our meals by now" Loki picked up the menu, and begins to browse through it.

"You – …" Fenris gently lowered the menu from the Assassin's hand, taking it off his hands, signaling him to pay attention to her.

It was no use, Fenris was too speechless, and she couldn't get through to any part of the Assassin. She wanted to know if he felt anything for her, currently. She knew he was irritated by her weakness. She knew he was sick of her obsession with her lost God.

"You know what…I don't really feel like eating" She grabbed his hands, reached ten zennies out of her pocket and toss it on the table, and with it, she dragged him out.

They finally reach to the fountains, but she dragged him towards the edge of the cliff, over-looking the mountainous terrain, and forests filled with magical creatures and inevitably, elves. Fenris still held Loki's hand tightly, thinking that she would lose him is she had let go. She faced him and looks deeply into his green eyes, she tried to get him to the moment, make him interested in this, in her.

"Loki" Fenris' face flushed and her hand shudders as she rolled the name of her tongue. "Kiss me"

Loki's face suddenly changed with a halt, his eyes now set on the Warlock's eyes, his head filled with random thoughts he wasn't familiar with.

"I need to feel, just do it"

The Warlock was demanding, not quite like her at all, but her request was soft and sweet, nothing like Loki ever felt before.

"I know you can"

Fenris' voice echoed through his mind, thousand things he needed to do, maybe run from there, away from her, just a mere mystery…a…

Fenris neared the Assassin, she wanted him to hold her, she stayed close to his body, it was cold, but something warm was somewhere inside that even she could felt. She rested her head against his chest, closing her eyes to feel the rhythm of his heart in her hear.

Loki needn't to think anything, he froze on the spot, and here is one situation he could not find the answer too. His eyes filled with sudden death and agony, things she would not like at all. He breathed heavily, and with pity, he pushed her away.

Loki could see Fenris' face suddenly grew with sadness, tears filled up but it won't seem to roll down. She gazed at him with hope, but his face remains the same, cold, dead hearted Loki, the greatest Assassin of all.

"Why do you do this?" Fenris' voice was shrill but strong, stronger that her heart. "Do you like hurting me?"

"We are even then" Loki turned his face to the side; cutting the diminishing dimension Fenris was causing him.

"What-…" Fenris couldn't believe what she was hearing. Loki truly couldn't say anything real, she couldn't understand him, nor did he understand her much.

All Fenris could remember or think about is when a strong firm, grip, held her, that day in the airship incident. Looking at Loki's strong eyes that almost kept a concern for her was comforting and sort of…nice.

Everybody hurt her. First was Balder, and then turned Chaos, now Loki. She knew she felt nothing for Loki, she just wanted to throw her hurt to someone else, and he was there and seemingly willing. She knew he knows what she's trying to do, but what made her pursue is the fact that he let her. Loki, the empty human or not. Loki, quiet and assuring, almost a fantasy, let a girl like her, abused him.

It was wrong and selfish. She loved Loki, somehow. If not, she needn't to care about him…but then again, she's human, at least more human than him. It hurts, but Fenris was used to it, of all this confusing thoughts. Fenris wanted to die…again…but then…_she…Balder…Chaos…Loki…_


	4. Four

Four 

…Loki pulled Fenris to his side, held her head and softly thrust his lips to hers, brushing gently then, heating up to a subtle but passionate kiss Fenris always longed for. Fenris closed her eyes and ran her fingers through Loki's acquiescent hair and caressed it down to his muscular back. She felt him, finally, she held him close still tasting the then cold breath of his, now warm inside her mouth. Their tongues collide together, heavenly dancing across a memory, and she felt his hand stroking her hair, she felt the coldness of his hands. It was dry, freezing, almost like death. Warmth filled all of that, and now was sealed with this endless kiss.

"Is that what you want?" Loki pulled away still holding her in his arms, still with that cold look upon his face, sadly.

"Something like that" Fenris was astonished; it was perfect, almost fake.

"I don't love you Fenris, I really don't" Loki then let her go, and watched the clouds moving above him.

"Stop it" Fenris' tear glands didn't work up, instead steaming rage build up inside her, connecting it all together to one confusing emotion.

"I am merely just trying to help you" Loki answered coldly, and left Fenris angry with overwhelming sadness.

Fenris couldn't take it anymore, she didn't need this. He was abusing he back, she hates him, she wanted him dead, she needed a place to retreat herself. She couldn't control herself; she was running, she told herself to keep running, just somewhere. There was nowhere to go, and to hide, just-just, out…somewhere, besides-

"Fenris!" That voice. She halted. Balder. No, not him.

"C-chaos?"

"What happened? Where's Loki?" Chaos held her and stared into her eyes, his face fading away to her, faintly disappearing, but still slightly visible.

"Don't touch me" Fenris whisked his hand away, and sat on the nearest rock, resting her head against her wet palms, from the tears Loki caused her.

"Fenris talk to me, what's up?" Chaos squatted beside her, lifting her chin up with his fingers.

Fenris could see it now, being around Loki was suffocating but addictive, while being around Balder, no, Chaos is intoxicating but dead. She didn't comprehend what part of Loki caused her insane, longing for more. To be near him, around him, touch him, kiss him… _'Just keep focus, Fenris'_, she told herself. Being around Loki so much was destroying her senses and sanity. It was…mad, but lethal.

Chaos' concerned face didn't even matter anymore, throw in Iris all of a sudden who was shaking her frantically, Fenris didn't care more. She realized something…this was the first time she didn't care about Chaos, even Chaos worrying about her, his mouth moving, uttering silence from her point of view. She looked at them weakly, and maybe this could end her damage…her infinite hurt…and…Loki?

He was suddenly there…right there standing, like nothing ever happened. She looked at him sobbing, with irrational tears; she knew he was laughing at her in his heart. Mocking her feelings right up front, although he did not show it. She wanted to scream at him, scream at him for her hurt, everything that people did to her, and people still does.

"Would you mind telling me what happened?" Chaos turned around to Loki's arrival and with that Loki only gave an empty look, a frail smile then turned away from the situation.

This had only made Chaos more curiously angry, and walked behind the Assassin, trying to straighten things out with him. Fenris didn't care; she didn't care if the Knight hit him, or killed him for that matter, she didn't care any more, why should she? Iris was in front of her now, stroking her hair, placing the messed up hair in the back of the ears in an orderly way with a concerned look up on her face. Fenris knew Iris cared for her, but the sad thing is, Fenris didn't.

"Please, Fenris, don't do this, you're strong" Iris tried to give away comforting words. 'I'm really not' Fenris answered to herself, sad to see Iris trying to bring back the counterfeited Fenris, the Fenris everyone knows by, the strong, unemotional, or nothing.

"I don't know what's going on between you and Fenris, but what the Hel did you do, we just left you guys for half and hour, and now she's depressed as Hel, what did you do, seriously?" Chaos barked at the quiet Assassin, still standing there, trying to cover up every bit of emotion he had left, and covering up every little thing that happened between Fenris and him. Everything was of Chaos, Fenris thought. If she wasn't this weak around Chaos, Loki wouldn't notice the obvious too much, and now, Loki made her shake to ultimate disadvantage.

Loki shrugged carelessly, and then turned to look at the still crying Fenris. A struck of pity filled him suddenly, did he do this to her?

"What happened seriously!" Chaos was getting annoyed, he needed to know the answer, he was too concerned to care about Loki's feeling, and so he cursed at him silently.

"You" Loki hissed.

"What?"

"You did it"

"Wha-how?"

"Do you not see it?"

"See what?"

"Her care for you?"

"She IS my friend…your point?"

"It is more than the feeling of a friend, Chaos, you don't see it"

"What the Hel?"

"Can't you see, you are hurting her every day?"

"I don't!"

"You just do not realize it"

"Get to the point…seriously, Loki. You're starting to annoy me-…"

"She loves you…Balder"

"…"

**To be continued…**


	5. Five

**To All Readers & Reviewers: Thank you for the kind remarks, sorry for the long update. This chapter have actually been written about 4 months ago, but I just kept trying to fight laziness in uploading, so here you go, and six is 'probably' on its way. Once again, sorry for the LONG update. I hope you stick around! Thank you! **

**Five**

"You do know right?"

"…"

"Don't play dumb, Balder"

"…"

"Balder, I know you know"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Chaos' eyes were furious, even his fiery eyes gave Loki a simple jolt, and an abrupt inquiring look. The dragon in him was revealed now, truly, this is the lost, hurt, and confused God, just like his former beloved. Loki tried to put the pieces altogether, somehow his gaze made him understand why he is the way he is.

"I'm sorry…I'm just…not used to that 'fact'" Chaos' eyes cooled down, and his face thickened with forged lies and tried to reverse Loki's expression, he knew he made the cool Assassin startled with his sudden reaction towards his former name. He didn't want to make it such a big deal, but the name hurts him, in a way.

"Sorry" Loki's contrite was vacant, it was almost as if he planned to hurt Chaos, like he means everything he said, although it was true, to Chaos, and to Loki.

"Loki, I thought of all people, you would understand what it feels not knowing who you are, but then suddenly you try to back up Fenris, and go on with the whole tragedy of lost God this, and lost love that. Believe me, there's not one day, I've never thought of who I am, my real form, or Fenris, for that matter, I just never thought of it to be such a big deal, to you especially!" Chaos' voice was desperate, like a child, but none of this made Loki see.

"I don't understand, Chaos" Loki laid his hands on Chaos shoulder's, and suddenly neared him and whispered in his ears, "…see, that is the problem" Loki, then left Chaos, with a grin on his face, almost awkward, but…human.

"Don't do it Loki" Chaos called him back, shaking his head, and laughing with sympathy all of a sudden.

Loki didn't turn around, but he halted, seeing if Chaos had anything else smarter to say to him that maybe he should reconsider.

"I know why you always walk away from conversations like these" Chaos smiled, "It's because you're scared…you're scared of revealing your true self, if you talk about emotions for long periods of time you walk away or block it, and this…well, it truly is about revealing our true selves ain't it?"

Loki didn't know what to say, he stared at the green grass below him, at the little insects crawling around for life, he questions the usual to himself, is he human…enough? A question that never was answered in the right direction, a question that made him follow Chaos and the rest for this unreachable journey, a journey without meaning, and or connection to him. It didn't concern Loki if Freya is on the move, it's not him that Freya wanted, it's the young man behind him, the child behind him, the God behind him, the lost behind him, the friend behind him…

"Maybe you think you've got it all under control, hiding under that mask everyday, you're not that good of an actor Loki, open up, Gods-damn it" Chaos' teeth gritted with happiness that is overwhelmed with anger. He walked up towards him, nearing the Assassin, and whispered, "See, THAT'S the problem" and so Chaos walked away, with a smug grin on his face, finally winning the conversation for once.

"Wait" Loki's voice was rough, almost like a defense to himself, or a dose of revenge towards Chaos. Chaos' smug grin disappeared with a sudden halt and his body turned around in an instant, folding his arms in disagreement, and shrugged, signaling Loki, he's ready for whatever he wanted to say to him now.

"You still have not answered my question"

"What question?" Chaos taunted.

"You do know Fenris loves you, no?" Loki raised his shoulders.

"That's not a question" Chaos shot.

"To my recollection, it is" Loki eyed Chaos with an 'I-win-as-usual' look.

"Does it concern you?" Chaos rolled his eyes and sighed heavily.

Loki shrugged.

Chaos hated this side of the Assassin, he was so…unpredictable and he differs from all people, and perhaps…humankind.

"Whatever" Chaos grunted and walked away with a weak sulk, and patted Loki's back in distress and confinement.


End file.
